
A document released this morning reveals that a group of oil executives from Exxon, Shell, and BP admit to fraud, deception, and outright lies in the climate change argument, and have agreed to donate $125 billion to an environmental fund focused on halting all CO2 emissions worldwide.
The document, released after an all-night meeting which ended in tears and an environmental epiphany, states that all of the profits from oil production last year will be divided equally among the world’s leading environmental research organizations. The donation is an effort to atone for the obscene amount of money made from extracting and refining fossil fuels in 2008 at the expense of global health.
“We have seen the light, and in the name of Al Gore, we ask for forgiveness.”
These same executives, after years of denying a link between burning fossil fuels and climate change, reversed their stand today in an unprecedented move to make amends for years of pro-oil propaganda. Representatives from Greenpeace, Sierra Club, and the Environmental Defense Fund were called in at the eleventh hour, dispensing kleenex and laxatives (to purge the accumulated burden of denial) and giving free hugs throughout the morning.
“I love Mother Earth. I’m ashamed of my actions, and I want to make it right somehow.” – (name withheld by request)
A spokesman for the group said that after many hours of singing Kumbaya and sharing their feelings, the former world-rapers shed their three-piece suits and donned Birkenstocks and tie-dyed t-shirts as they went off to find themselves and be one with nature.
And if you believe this, I’ve got some oceanfront property in Arizona that I can let you have for a rock bottom price… (April Fools!)
Image: permanently scatterbrained at Flickr under CC License
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Well it happened with the cigarette companies….
Now we can all visualise this really happening, you have provided us with such a glorious story! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Cheers Cate
Darn, I guess I am really as gullible as people say. Until the last two paragraphs, I thought this was for reaal :+)
Ah but we can dream.
~Tara
You had me too. It looks like a story that would go viral though. Think I’ll RT it to see how far it will go.
Well written. Keep it around it may become non-fiction in the near future.
Wild Adam, you really had me going there for awhile!!
That is at least some good news. Is it still too little too late, and can we even do anything to reduce dramatic climate change?
Tony,
The thing about climate change (and most things in life) is that any anything that we can do, we can un-do. Although with Climate change, there are some “tipping points. Points that can never be fixed, and we have passed some of those points.
Look at climate change as ifitwere any other huge problem. (just for comparison, let’s look at an unjust war) On an individual basis, there is no way that we that we can stop it. We cant wake up one day and as an individual, bring a stop to it. But we can make a small, tiny impact. With the help of our friends, neighbors, families and society, we can actually stop it from continuing.
The problem is that we are “fixers.” If we cant fix it, we give up or pretend it doesnt exist.
For every hamburger you dont eat, you save 2,500 gallons of water. For every bottle of water you don’t by, you save 6 bottles of water. For every light you dont turn on, you save the coal used to make it light up from having to be stripped out of a mountain. For every vegetable you buy at the farmers market, you save the gas used to truck it in from Latin America. The list goes on and on and on.
Can we do anything to reduce dramatic climate change? We believe that yes. You can.
Thanks for your comment
Sadly America is held tightly by corporate interests to pursuing the current “Status Quo” to the bitter end, much as the U.S.S.R. was by its bureaucracy, and did so! The very inertia of the last 200 years of propagandized and even real success will keep America rolling in the same direction long enough for all to vault the edge of the abyss, and Corvettes and Cadillac commercials, and other mantra of Capitalism, will be heard ringing off the walls of Hell as the great chasm closes over their heads – Much as did the Hymns of the great Army Choirs of U.S.S.R., extolling their own virtues as the very gates of Hell clanged shut on their Empire! The American dollar, harbinger of the fate of the whole nation, breaks through the barriers of Hell in its decent in value and approaches crash velocities as we speak, and even with highest unemployment/unemployability ever, does not cease, and we are in a downward spiral to our destruction and the greatest depression Capitalism has ever caused is about to crash down on our heads! America is losing to Asians on world markets every day, and even as we speak, China has acquired Iran’s South Azadegan Oil Fields – Greatest oil discovery in the Middle East in Thirty years – without firing a shot, or losing even one Chinaman in the process! Not like out Iraq mission at all! China has placed “Secret” nukes there to protect their newly acquired oil resource, restoring “Mutual Destruction” balance to the Middle East and counterbalancing America’s “Secret” nukes in Israel! Now the plains of Armageddon hold two “Secrets” both nuclear and in balance at last! Iran will soon build up Nuclear power in the face of a protesting, but wiser, America and the Ayatollahs will dominate the region and even set world oil prices, and in Yuan if they so wish – America weakened world-wide to a cranky complaining teen-aged spoiled bitch whore without power to make changes anywhere anymore, burdened with a worthless dollar, slothful “entitled” over-weight, over pampered people not willing to face conscription and change in their gluttonous, greedy ways long enough to make any difference, and the world afloat in nukes and no longer beholden to the proud, lustful, boisterous American anymore! Nuclear proliferation has happened! Get used to it Yankee Doodle, and stop the blustering superiority act too! We the world, are on to you, naughty little tramp! You no longer hold anyone over the barrel little pig!